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My philosophy
like colour TV
is all there
in black and white
Monty Python

Quotes, Aphorisms, Laws, and Thoughts

66Five Hundred and Eigthy-One quotes by Anonymous99

Anonymous is the adjective form of anonymity, the state of an individual's personal identity, or personally identifiable information, being publicly unknown.

66 A camel is a horse designed by a committee.99 [+]

66'Onomatopoeia' is spelled the way it sounds.99 [+]

66(Anything in parenthesis can be ignored.)99 [+]

661. Always hire a rich attorney.
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.99 [+]

662 is not equal to 3; not even for very large values of 2.99 [+]

66A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.99 [+]

66A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.99 [+]

66A closed mouth gathers no feet.99 [+]

66A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.99 [+]

66A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago.99 [+]

66A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to guarantee the flow of paper.99 [+]

66A cult becomes a religion when it stops killing its members and starts killing non-members.99 [+]

66A day without sunshine is like night.99 [+]

66A fanatic is someone who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.99 [+]

66A fate worse than death is better than dying.99 [+]

66A fool must now and then be right by chance.99 [+]

66A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.99 [+]

66A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.99 [+]

66A good hiding place is hard to find.99 [+]

66A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.99 [+]

66A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way.99 [+]

66A kick in the ass is often a step forward.99 [+]

66A liberal is a conservative who has gone to jail, and a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.99 [+]

66A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.99 [+]

66A liberal thinks that goats are just sheep from broken homes.99 [+]

66A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists.99 [+]

66A lot of what appears to be progress is just technological rococo.99 [+]

66A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple.99 [+]

66A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.99 [+]

66A man with a briefcase can steal more money than any man with a gun.99 [+]

66A man with a watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.99 [+]

66A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.99 [+]

66A man's grasp rarely exceeds his greed.99 [+]

66A meal without wine is called a commuter's breakfast. 99 [+]

66A neurotic builds castles in the air.
A psychotic lives in them.
A psychiatrist collects the rent.99 [+]

66A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.99 [+]

66A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.99 [+]

66A pedestal is as much a prison as any small confined space.99 [+]

66A pessimist is one who builds dungeons in the air.99 [+]

66A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.99 [+]

66A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.99 [+]

66A religious conservative is a fanatic about a dead radical.99 [+]

66A rolling stone gathers momentum.99 [+]

66A sandwich is an unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.99 [+]

66A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.99 [+]

66A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.99 [+]

66A waist is a terrible thing to mind.99 [+]

66About the time we make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.99 [+]

66Absolute zero is cool.99 [+]

66After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.99 [+]

66Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.99 [+]

66Alcohol and calculus don't mix: don't drink and derive.99 [+]

66Alcohol puts the wreck back into recreation.99 [+]

66All babies look like Winston Churchill.99 [+]

66All generalisations are false, including this one.99 [+]

66All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.99 [+]

66All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.99 [+]

66All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.99 [+]

66Amand's Law of Management: Everyone is always someplace else.99 [+]

Amatit again.99 [+]

66Among economists, the real world is often a special case.99 [+]

66An amateur practises until he gets it right, a professional until he can't get it wrong.99 [+]

66An army's weapons are made by the lowest bidder.99 [+]

66An existential map has 'you are here' written all over it.99 [+]

66An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.99 [+]

66And There was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On99 [+]

66Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get very nervous and give the wrong answers.99 [+]

66Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.99 [+]

66Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers.99 [+]

66Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.99 [+]

66Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.99 [+]

66Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.99 [+]

66Are you getting fit or having one?99 [+]

66Art should disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed.99 [+]

66Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.99 [+]

66As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.99 [+]

66Astrology was invented so that Economics could become a science.99 [+]

66At some time in the life cycle of every organisation, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.99 [+]

66At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.99 [+]

66Bacteria are the only culture some people have.99 [+]

66Banana Republic Constitution: Prohibido todo lo que no sea obligatorio.99 [+]

66Be a safe eater and always use a condiment.99 [+]

66Beauty multiplied by brains equals a constant.99 [+]

66Beer is the reason I wake up every afternoon.99 [+]

66Believers are atheists in all but their own god; true atheists just go one god further.99 [+]

66Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of the identity of the two tongues.99 [+]

66Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.99 [+]

66Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.99 [+]

66Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.99 [+]

66Biology grows on you.99 [+]

66Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.99 [+]

66Bread is the staff of life; toast a decadent capitalist luxury.99 [+]

66Bugs are sons of glitches.99 [+]

66Bugs come in through open Windows.99 [+]

66Buses stop at bus stations, trains at train stations, and my desk has a workstation.99 [+]

66Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.99 [+]

66Canada Bill Jones' Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces.99 [+]

66Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.99 [+]

66Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth; communism is the equal distribution of poverty.99 [+]

66Celibacy is not hereditary.99 [+]

66Changing lawyers is like changing deck chairs on the Titanic.99 [+]

66Chaste makes waste.99 [+]

66Chemistry is physics without thought; mathematics is physics without purpose.99 [+]

66Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.99 [+]

66Children may be obscene but not absurd.99 [+]

66Coito ergo sum.99 [+]

66Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.99 [+]

66Common Lies no.1: The cheque is in the mail.99 [+]

66Common Lies no.2: I love you.99 [+]

66Common Lies no.3: This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you.99 [+]

66Common Lies no.4: It's not the money that matters, it's the principle.99 [+]

66Common Lies no.5: I've never done this before.99 [+]

66Common Lies no.6: Money isn't everything.99 [+]

66Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.99 [+]

66Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.99 [+]

66Computers are not intelligent: they only think they are.99 [+]

66Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.99 [+]

66Confusion never reigns but it pours.99 [+]

66Congressmen are the finest body of men money can buy.99 [+]

66Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.99 [+]

66Consciousness is the annoying time between naps.99 [+]

66Conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. The facts work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid.99 [+]

66Constipation is timeless, but diarrhoea waits for no man.99 [+]

66Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.99 [+]

66Cooking is a minor art; I can't imagine a hilarious soufflé, or a deeply moving stew.99 [+]

66Cows are vegetarian so you don't have to be.99 [+]

66Crises bring out the best in the best of us, and the worst in the worst of us.99 [+]

66Dada wouldn't buy me a Bauhaus.99 [+]

66Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.99 [+]

66Dates in the calendar are closer than they appear.99 [+]

66Death is nature's way of saying, 'You can let go of your ankles now'.99 [+]

66Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.99 [+]

66Delay is the deadliest form of denial.99 [+]

66Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.99 [+]

66Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.99 [+]

66Diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he will look forward to making the trip.99 [+]

66Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.99 [+]

66Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege.99 [+]

66Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest.99 [+]

66Don't anthropomorphise computers: they hate that.99 [+]

66Don't believe everything you think.99 [+]

66Don't count your cheques before they're cashed.99 [+]

66Don't marry for money; it's cheaper to borrow it.99 [+]

66Don't vote, it only encourages them.99 [+]

66Draft beer; not people.99 [+]

66Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.99 [+]

66Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.99 [+]

66During exams you are permitted to look down for inspiration and up in exasperation, but you are not permitted to look side to side for information.99 [+]

66Early to bed
Early to rise
These are the reasons
Why a man dies.99 [+]

66Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.99 [+]

66Economics exams set the same questions year after year, it's the answers that change.99 [+]

66Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.99 [+]

66Either heaven or hell will have continuous background music. Which one you think it will be tells a lot about you.99 [+]

66Elvis rocks in his box.99 [+]

66Emmanuel Kant but Genghis Khan.99 [+]

66Entropy isn't what it used to be.99 [+]

66Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.99 [+]

66Even Napoleon had his Watergate.99 [+]

66Every silver lining has a cloud.99 [+]

66Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life.99 [+]

66Everything was so different before it changed.99 [+]

66Existentialism has no future.99 [+]

66Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.99 [+]

66Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.99 [+]

66Fashions come and go; bad taste is timeless.99 [+]

66Feminist Astronautics 101: If they can put one man on the moon, why can't they put them all?99 [+]

66Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.99 [+]

66Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.99 [+]

66First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.99 [+]

66Food is an important part of a balanced diet.99 [+]

66For a string to have one end it must have another.99 [+]

66For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.99 [+]

66For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.99 [+]

66For every solution he had a problem.99 [+]

66Freedom is not free.99 [+]

66Friendly fire isn't.99 [+]

66Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.99 [+]

66From The Gutter To You Ain't Up99 [+]

66Geography is everywhere.99 [+]

66Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.99 [+]

66Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.99 [+]

66God doesn't come when you want him but he's right on time.99 [+]

66God is dead and I want his job.99 [+]

66Good judgement comes from experience, and that comes from poor judgement.99 [+]

66Good science fiction writers don't dream about the future and hope they're right, they have nightmares and hope they're wrong.99 [+]

66Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theatre.99 [+]

66Great things can be reduced to small things, and small things to nothing.99 [+]

66Half the people in the world are below average.99 [+]

66Halitosis is better than no breath at all.99 [+]

66Happiness can't buy you money.99 [+]

66Hardware is the part of a computer system that can be kicked and software is the part that can only be screamed at.99 [+]

66Hatless, I take off
My bicycle clips in awkward reverence.99 [+]

66Having children is hereditary, if your parents didn't have any, then you probably won't either.99 [+]

66He couldn't work out how to pour water from a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.99 [+]

66He promised me earrings, but he only pierced my ears.99 [+]

66He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.99 [+]

66He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.99 [+]

66Health food is anything you eat before the expiry date.99 [+]

66Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.99 [+]

66Heisenberg may have been here.99 [+]

66Hell hath no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle.99 [+]

66Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.99 [+]

66Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart was Pure99 [+]

66History is just one bloody thing after another.99 [+]

66History repeats itself because nobody listens.99 [+]

66Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.99 [+]

66Horse sense is what stops horses from betting on humans.99 [+]

66Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it.99 [+]

66Hospital is a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.99 [+]

66Hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars because you go faster when you're always going downhill.99 [+]

66How can you know what you think until you open your mouth and hear what you say?99 [+]

66How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door you're on.99 [+]

66Humpty Dumpty was pushed.99 [+]

66Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.99 [+]

66I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.99 [+]

66I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.99 [+]

66I am now cured of schizophrenia: but where am I now that I need me?99 [+]

66I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?99 [+]

66I complained that I had no shoes
Until I met a man who had no feet.99 [+]

66I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.99 [+]

66I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 299 [+]

66I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.99 [+]

66I have learnt to spell hors d'oeuvres,
Which grates on many people's nerves.99 [+]

66I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.99 [+]

66I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand.99 [+]

66I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.99 [+]

66I like pigs: dogs look up to us; cats look down on us; pigs treat us as equals.99 [+]

66I like sadism, necrophilia, and zoophilia. Am I flogging a dead horse?99 [+]

66I like work, I can sit and watch it for hours.99 [+]

66I liked the tree better than the book.99 [+]

66I really hate this damned machine
I wish they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.99 [+]

66I remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.99 [+]

66I say let the world go to hell, but I should always have my tea.99 [+]

66I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.99 [+]

66I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better99 [+]

66I stopped believing in god the day I saw lightning rods in the Vatican.99 [+]

66I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.99 [+]

66I used to be conceited, but now I'm absolutely perfect.99 [+]

66I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.99 [+]

66I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.99 [+]

66I wish I were what I was when I wished to be what I am.99 [+]

66I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.99 [+]

66I Would Have Answered Your Letter Sooner, But You Didn't Send One99 [+]

66I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.99 [+]

66I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.99 [+]

66I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.99 [+]

66I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.99 [+]

66I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite99 [+]

66I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life99 [+]

66I'm not as thrunk as drinkle peep I am.99 [+]

66I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.99 [+]

66I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam.99 [+]

66I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like Having You Here99 [+]

66I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You99 [+]

66I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.99 [+]

66If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, then what are we to think of an empty desk?99 [+]

66If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well.99 [+]

66If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will99 [+]

66If everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.99 [+]

66If God exists, that's his problem.99 [+]

66If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.99 [+]

66If I Can't Find Mister Right, I'll Settle For Mister Right Now99 [+]

66If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I'd probably start thinking about you99 [+]

66If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now99 [+]

66If I Had To Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You99 [+]

66If ignorance isn't bliss, I don't know what is.99 [+]

66If it ain't broke, don't fix it.99 [+]

66If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.99 [+]

66If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.99 [+]

66If it's too loud, you're too old.99 [+]

66If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?99 [+]

66If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?99 [+]

66If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.99 [+]

66If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.99 [+]

66If scientists knew what they were doing, it wouldn't be called research.99 [+]

66If the heart is only a muscle, is love just an exercise?99 [+]

66If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.99 [+]

66If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?99 [+]

66If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.99 [+]

66If Today Was A Fish, I'd Throw It Back In99 [+]

66If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?99 [+]

66If you are already in a hole, stop digging.99 [+]

66If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?99 [+]

66If you don't care where you are, you aren't lost.99 [+]

66If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.99 [+]

66If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?99 [+]

66If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.99 [+]

66If you play country music backwards, you get your job, your wife, and your dog back, and your pick-up works again.99 [+]

66If you try to fail and succeed, which have you achieved?99 [+]

66If you want to drown yourself, make sure the water is deep enough.99 [+]

66If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.99 [+]

66If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will99 [+]

66If you're anti-abortion and pro capital punishment, you are only arguing about the timing.99 [+]

66If you're not confused, you're misinformed.99 [+]

66Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it.99 [+]

66In an open source world without walls and fences we don't need Windows and Gates.99 [+]

66In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.99 [+]

66In any organisation there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.99 [+]

66In love there is always one who kisses and one who offers the cheek.99 [+]

66In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.99 [+]

66In the beginning there was nothing and then it exploded.99 [+]

66In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light'; and there was still nothing, but everybody could see it.99 [+]

66In the beginning was the word. And the word was 'Aardvark'.99 [+]

66In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.99 [+]

66Incest is relatively boring.99 [+]

66Indecision is the key to flexibility.99 [+]

66Inside every big problem there is a small problem struggling to get out.99 [+]

66Intuition: that strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not.99 [+]

66Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.99 [+]

66Is a 5.25 floppy better than a 3.5 hard?99 [+]

66It has been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.99 [+]

66It is better for civilisation to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.99 [+]

66It is better to have loved and lost than to have loved and married.99 [+]

66It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.99 [+]

66It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.99 [+]

66It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.99 [+]

66It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.99 [+]

66It takes a lot of experience for a woman to kiss like a beginner.99 [+]

66It's always room-temperature.99 [+]

66It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.99 [+]

66It's hard to feel morally superior to a person who gets up earlier than you do.99 [+]

66It's hard to say why writing verse
Should terminate in drink or worse.99 [+]

66It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.99 [+]

66It's not the fall that kills you but the sudden stop at the end.99 [+]

66It's not too far; it just seems like it is.99 [+]

66It's true that money talks. It usually says 'Goodbye'.99 [+]

66It's very suspicious that the Miss Universe pageant is always won by an earth woman.99 [+]

66I’m not complaining about coming to work but about the eight hour wait to go home.99 [+]

66Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean somebody isn't out to get you.99 [+]

66Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.99 [+]

66Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you an anchor.99 [+]

66Klein bottle for rent. Inquire within.99 [+]

66Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.99 [+]

66Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.99 [+]

66Lazy people have no spare time.99 [+]

66Life is a beach, and then you drown.99 [+]

66Life is like a dog sled team: if you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.99 [+]

66Life is the whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.99 [+]

66Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.99 [+]

66Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.99 [+]

66Living in the past is cheaper.99 [+]

66Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.99 [+]

66Love has no heart.99 [+]

66Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is physics.99 [+]

66Love is like a good cigar: it can go out many times, but each time you relight it, it tastes worse.99 [+]

66Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.99 [+]

66Man has two basic desires: to get and to beget.99 [+]

66Man loves little and often, woman much and rarely.99 [+]

66Man will occasionally stumble over the truth. Invariably, he will pick himself up and carry on.99 [+]

66Management expands to meet the needs of management.99 [+]

66Marriage is an attempt to change the night owl into a homing pigeon.99 [+]

66Marriage is not a word but a sentence.99 [+]

66Marriage means commitment but so does insanity.99 [+]

66Mechanic's First Law: When in doubt, give it a clout.99 [+]

66Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.99 [+]

66Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for 20 years.99 [+]

66Mickey Mouse is a rat.99 [+]

66Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.99 [+]

66Mistress: Something between a master and a mattress.99 [+]

66Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.99 [+]

66Money doesn't buy happiness; it rents it.99 [+]

66Money is the root of all good and the fruit of all evil.99 [+]

66Money isn't everything. If it were, what would we buy with it?99 [+]

66Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.99 [+]

66Morality is doing right, no matter what you are told; religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.99 [+]

66Most of our future lies ahead.99 [+]

66Murphy's Law is recursive: washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.99 [+]

66My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.99 [+]

66My smoking might be bothering you, but it's killing me.99 [+]

66My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him99 [+]

66Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to modern people who blow horns to break up traffic jams.99 [+]

66Never allow a computer to know you're in a hurry.99 [+]

66Never answer a letter until you get a second one on the same subject from the same person.99 [+]

66Never bet your bladder against a brewery.99 [+]

66Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.99 [+]

66Never eat anything bigger than your head.99 [+]

66Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.99 [+]

66Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.99 [+]

66Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.99 [+]

66Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.99 [+]

66Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.99 [+]

66Never trust anybody who says trust me.99 [+]

66Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.99 [+]

66No guts, no glory. No brain, same story.99 [+]

66No horse goes as fast as the money you bet on him.99 [+]

66No leg's too short to reach the ground.99 [+]

66No one appreciates thrift like an heir.99 [+]

66No one knows what true happiness is until they get married but by then, of course, it's too late.99 [+]

66Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.99 [+]

66Not enough is done for the apathetic.99 [+]

66Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.99 [+]

66Nothing is illegal until you get caught.99 [+]

66Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.99 [+]

66Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.99 [+]

66Nothing is potent against love save impotence.99 [+]

66Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.99 [+]

66Nothing looks as good close up as it does from far away.99 [+]

66Now that I've given up hope I feel much better.99 [+]

66Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.99 [+]

66Of all the people I know, you're one of them.99 [+]

66Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.99 [+]

66Of those who say nothing, few are silent.99 [+]

66Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.99 [+]

66Old soldiers never die; young ones do.99 [+]

66One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.99 [+]

66One match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.99 [+]

66One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.99 [+]

66Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.99 [+]

66Osborn's Law: Constants aren't; variables won't.99 [+]

66Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.99 [+]

66People talk of my drinking but never of my thirst.99 [+]

66People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, and all their life for happiness.99 [+]

66People who do the world's real work don't usually wear ties.99 [+]

66People will believe anything if you whisper it.99 [+]

66Perseverance: Mediocrity rewarded.99 [+]

66Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.99 [+]

66Philosophy is questions that may never be answered, but religion is answers that may never be questioned.99 [+]

66Poetry is proof that rhyme doesn't pay.99 [+]

66Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.99 [+]

66Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark.99 [+]

66Psychiatry is the care of the Id by the odd.99 [+]

66Quarks are the dreams that stuff is made of.99 [+]

66Racism is only the snobbery of the poor.99 [+]

66RAM disk is not an installation procedure.99 [+]

66Real programs don't eat cache.99 [+]

66Robin Hood only robbed the rich because the poor had no money.99 [+]

66Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF99 [+]

66Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.99 [+]

66Schizophrenia is better than dining alone.99 [+]

66Schrödinger rules the waves.99 [+]

66Schubert sonatas happen.99 [+]

66Seminars: from 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.99 [+]

66Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer.99 [+]

66Sexual harassment at work - is it a problem for the self-employed?99 [+]

66Sick yaks leave light tracks.99 [+]

66Sleep faster; we need the pillows.99 [+]

66Smile, they said,
It could be worse.
So, I did
And it was.99 [+]

66Smith & Wesson had the original point and click interface.99 [+]

66So near and yet so what?99 [+]

66Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.99 [+]

66Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.99 [+]

66Some people leave a mark on this world, while others only leave a stain.99 [+]

66Some prose writers go from bad to verse.99 [+]

66Someone who thinks of himself as a wit is usually half right.99 [+]

66Soviet History 101: Who knows tomorrow what happened yesterday?99 [+]

66Streakers beware: your end is in sight.99 [+]

66Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.99 [+]

66Sweaty feet seldom come singly.99 [+]

66Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.99 [+]

66Taxation without representation was probably cheaper.99 [+]

66Temptation laughs at the fool who takes it seriously.99 [+]

66Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You99 [+]

66The average person thinks he isn't.99 [+]

66The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.99 [+]

66The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.99 [+]

66The big-type giveth, and the small-type taketh away.99 [+]

66The bigger the box, the bigger the things that won't fit in it.99 [+]

66The bigger they are, the harder they hit.99 [+]

66The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.99 [+]

66The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.99 [+]

66The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects merely require scholarship.99 [+]

66The first myth of management is that it exists.99 [+]

66The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.99 [+]

66The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.99 [+]

66The Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.99 [+]

66The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.99 [+]

66The hangman let me down.99 [+]

66The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.99 [+]

66The hidden flaw never remains hidden.99 [+]

66The impossibility of yesterday has become the luxury of today and the necessity of tomorrow.99 [+]

66The information you have is not the information you want; the information you want is not the information you need; the information you need is not what you can get or is not known; the information that is known can't be found in time.99 [+]

66The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.99 [+]

66The Lottery is a tax on people who don't understand statistics.99 [+]

66The meek make things easier for the rest of us.99 [+]

66The meek shall inherit the earth. They won't have the nerve to refuse it.99 [+]

66The Moral Majority is neither.99 [+]

66The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.99 [+]

66The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.99 [+]

66The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.99 [+]

66The older I get, the better I was.99 [+]

66The only person who got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.99 [+]

66The probable impossible is always preferable to the improbable possible.99 [+]

66The solution to the problem changes the problem.99 [+]

66The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.99 [+]

66The speed of time is one second per second.99 [+]

66The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.99 [+]

66The supply of government exceeds the demand.99 [+]

66The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.99 [+]

66The tire is only flat on the bottom.99 [+]

66The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.99 [+]

66The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.99 [+]

66The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.99 [+]

66The truth is the best lie.99 [+]

66The Universal Iceberg Theorem: Eight ninths of everything is hidden.99 [+]

66The Universal Library Theorem: There are no answers, only cross references.99 [+]

66The upper crust is just a lot of crumbs sticking together.99 [+]

66The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.99 [+]

66The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos.99 [+]

66There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.99 [+]

66There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea.99 [+]

66There are three dimensions to credit cards: length, width and debt.99 [+]

66There are three types of economist: those who can count, and those who cannot.99 [+]

66There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.99 [+]

66There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.99 [+]

66There is a time and a place for everything unless you're trying to park a car.99 [+]

66There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.99 [+]

66There is no evidence to support the idea that life is serious.99 [+]

66There is no future in time travel.99 [+]

66There is no need for signposts in the journey of life since the destination is always the same.99 [+]

66There's no place like [+]

66There's nothing wrong with the average person that a good psychiatrist can't exaggerate.99 [+]

66Things are more like they used to be than they are now.99 [+]

66Those who don't believe in Gosh will go to Heck.99 [+]

66Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.99 [+]

66Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.99 [+]

66To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.99 [+]

66To those who think that the law of gravity interferes with their freedom, there is nothing to say.99 [+]

66Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.99 [+]

66Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.99 [+]

66Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.99 [+]

66Tourists are terrorists with cameras. Terrorists are tourists with guns.99 [+]

66Truth and credibility are usually incompatible.99 [+]

66Two rules you must always remember: 1; Never give out all the information.99 [+]

66Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart99 [+]

66Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.99 [+]

66Very few trial separations don't work.99 [+]

66Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.99 [+]

66War doesn't determine who's right; it determines who's left.99 [+]

66Water is for washing, if you don't eat soap why drink water.99 [+]

66We are born naked, wet and hungry; then things get worse.99 [+]

66We are the people our parents warned us about.99 [+]

66We didn't fight our way to the top of the food chain just to be vegetarians.99 [+]

66We exchange time for objects, in hopes of gaining something that will endure.99 [+]

66We have met the enemy, and he is us.99 [+]

66We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankensteinian logic.99 [+]

66We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police.99 [+]

66We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.99 [+]

66We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.99 [+]

66We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.99 [+]

66Weather forecast for tonight: dark.99 [+]

66What did we do before we discovered nostalgia?99 [+]

66What if there were no hypothetical situations?99 [+]

66What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.99 [+]

66What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?99 [+]

66What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.99 [+]

66Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.99 [+]

66When all is said and done, more is said than done.99 [+]

66When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.99 [+]

66When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.99 [+]

66When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.99 [+]

66When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.99 [+]

66When subjected to extreme feminine heat and pressure, male hydrocarbons will often produce a diamond.99 [+]

66When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.99 [+]

66When you find the present tense and past perfect.99 [+]

66When you see what some girls marry, you realise how much they must hate to work for a living.99 [+]

66When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.99 [+]

66Where are the calculations that go with the calculated risk?99 [+]

66While chain swings, seat is warm.99 [+]

66While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.99 [+]

66Whither atrophy?99 [+]

66Why is there is only one Monopolies Commission?99 [+]

66Women were born without a sense of humour, so they could love men and not laugh at them.99 [+]

66Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one is watching.99 [+]

66Yesterday I couldn't spell engineer. Now I are one.99 [+]

66Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.99 [+]

66You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.99 [+]

66You are never alone with a clone.99 [+]

66You are not a complete idiot; there are bits missing.99 [+]

66You are only young once, but you can be immature your whole life.99 [+]

66You Are The North End Of A Southbound Pig99 [+]

66You are where you eat.99 [+]

66You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.99 [+]

66You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play99 [+]

66You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too99 [+]

66You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.99 [+]

66You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.99 [+]

66You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life99 [+]

66You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.99 [+]

66You're Ruining My Bad Reputation99 [+]

66Your karma ran over my dogma.99 [+]

66Your probability of winning the lottery hardly increases by buying a ticket.99 [+]

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