“My philosophy
like colour TV
is all there
in black and white”
Monty Python

Quotes, Aphorisms, Laws, and Thoughts
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Laws & Rules

 (Anything in parenthesis can be ignored.) 
 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
2. Never buy from a rich salesman. 
 1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place. 
 A closed mouth gathers no feet. 
 After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. 
 All generalisations are false, including this one. 
 Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 
 Amand's Law of Management: Everyone is always someplace else. 
 An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away. 
 Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything. 
 Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. 
 Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. 
 Canada Bill Jones' Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats four aces. 
 Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 
 Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. 
 Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up. 
 Don't start an argument with somebody who has a microphone when you don't. 
 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 
 Even God cannot change the past. 
μόνου γὰρ αὐτοῦ καὶ θεὸς στερίσκεται, ἀγένητα ποιεῖν ἅσσ᾽ ἂν ᾖ πεπραγμένα.
 First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. 
 Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter’s Law into account. 
 If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 
 If you are already in a hole, stop digging. 
 If you don't care where you are, you aren't lost. 
 If you hit two keys on the keyboard, the one you don't want is the one that is recorded. 
 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. 
 If you want to drown yourself, make sure the water is deep enough. 
 Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. 
 It is said that nothing is impossible; but there are lots of people doing nothing every day. 
 Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. 
 Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 
 Mechanic's First Law: When in doubt, give it a clout. 
 Murphy's Law is recursive: washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 
 Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. 
 Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river. 
 Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never eat at a place called Mom's.
Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. 
 Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 
 Never spit in a man's face unless his moustache is on fire. 
 Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. 
 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 
 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 
 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 
 Nothing looks as good close up as it does from far away. 
 Obedience keeps the rules, love knows when to break them. 
 Osborn's Law: Constants aren't; variables won't. 
 Passion is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available. 
 Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 
 People will believe anything if you whisper it. 
 Segal's Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure. 
 Sweaty feet seldom come singly. 
 The average person thinks he isn't. 
 The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 
 The Journalistic Principle (sometimes called Betteridge's Law, Hinchliffe's Rule, or Davis's Law): Any headline that ends in a question mark can be answered by the word no
 The solution to the problem changes the problem. 
 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 
 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. 
 The Universal Iceberg Theorem: Eight ninths of everything is hidden. 
 The Universal Library Theorem: There are no answers, only cross references. 
 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not. 
 Two rules you must always remember: 1; Never give out all the information. 
 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. 
 When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure. 
 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. 
 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.