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like colour TV
is all there
in black and white
Monty Python
Quotes, Aphorisms, Laws & Thoughts
Country Songs
All the Guys Who Turn Me On Turn Me Down
Although you're thirty, I still think you're purty.
And There was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On
At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump
Does The Spearmint Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
From The Gutter To You Ain't Up
Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart was Pure
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It
I Flushed You From The Toilet Of My Heart
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Would Have Answered Your Letter Sooner, But You Didn't Send One
I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like Having You Here
If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will
If I Can't Find Mister Right, I'll Settle For Mister Right Now
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
If I Had To Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You
If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
If Today Was A Fish, I'd Throw It Back In
If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
If Your Phone Ain't Ringing, It's Me
It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without
Take Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I'm Trying To Kiss You Goodbye
Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You
Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off
Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made A Fool Out Of Me
You Are The North End Of A Southbound Pig
You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You're Ruining My Bad Reputation
You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
Courage & Cowardice
A coward is a hero with a wife, children and a mortgage.
Courage is the fear of being thought a coward.
It is better to be a coward for one minute than dead the rest of your life.
People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
Culture
A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
what he meant.
Bacteria are the only culture some people have.
Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't.
No statue has ever been put up to a critic.
When I hear the word 'culture' I reach for my gun.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
Cynicism
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
Always behave as if nothing had happened, no matter what has happened.
Cynic: A blackguard who sees things as they are, not as they should be.
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
Death
A fate worse than death is better than dying.
A philosophical contempt of life is no guarantee of courage in the face of death.
Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me.
Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.
Death is nature's way of saying, 'You can let go of your ankles now'.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death must be distinguished from dying, with which it is often confused.
Elvis rocks in his box.
Fish die belly-upward and rise to the surface; it is their way of falling.
Hatless, I take off
My bicycle clips in awkward reverence.
He had decided to live on forever or die in the attempt.
I believe there would be people alive today if there were a death penalty.
I detest life-insurance agents; they argue that some day I shall die, which is not so.
I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
No hero is mortal until he dies.
No one owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death.
Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
Drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
You may as well live
The best way to get praise is to die.
The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
There is no need for sign-posts in the journey of life since the destination is always the same.
There is nothing quite so good as burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.
Where are you dying tonight?
While other people's deaths are deeply sad, one's own is surely a bit of a joke.
Diplomacy
A diplomat is a person who thinks twice before he says nothing.
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie for his country.
Diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he will look forward to making the trip.
Tact consists in knowing how far to go too far.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Dirt
In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
There was no need to do any housework; after the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
Divorce
Alimony: bounty after the mutiny.
Very few trial separations don't work.
Drink
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
Alcohol puts the wreck back into recreation.
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
Champagne for my sham friends; real pain for my real friends.
Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
For when the wine is in, the wit is out.
He who comes forth with a fifth on the fourth, may not come forth on the fifth.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I drink no more than a sponge.
I only drink to make other people interesting.
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
I'm not as thrunk as drinkle peep I am.
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
If the headache preceded the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue.
It only takes one drink to get me drunk, but I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Never bet your bladder against a brewery.
Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
People talk of my drinking but never of my thirst.
People who don't drink wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Water is for washing, if you don't eat soap why drink water.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork from my lunch?*
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Driving
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
Drive-in banks were established so that cars could see their real owners.
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars because you go faster when you're always going downhill.
I drive too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Dublin
Dublin is a city where you can see a sparrow fall to the ground, and God watching it.
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland: rich and thick.
Duct Tape
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Economics
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Astrology was invented so that Economics could become a science.
Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth; communism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Economics exams set the same questions year after year, it's the answers that change.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn't reach a conclusion.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Mathematics has given economics rigor, but alas, also mortis.
Taxation without representation was probably cheaper.
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.
There are three types of economist: those who can count, and those who cannot.
There is no free lunch.
Education
A gentleman need not know Latin, but he should at least have forgotten it.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
Bodily exercise, when compulsory, does no harm to the body; but knowledge which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind.
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.
Education is the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent.
Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
Everywhere children are schooled to become masters at answering questions and to remain novices at asking them.
For every person wishing to teach there are thirty not wanting to be taught.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then he made the School Board.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theatre.
I forget what I was taught. I only remember what I have learnt.
I have learnt to spell hors d'oeuvres,
Which grates on many people's nerves.
I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand.
I owe a lot to my teachers and mean to pay them back some day.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
Nowadays the illiterates can read and write.
The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr.
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
The theoretical broadening which comes from having many humanities subjects on the campus is offset by the general dopiness of the people who study these things.
The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.
There's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge accumulates.
'Whom are you?' said he, for he had been to night school.
Yesterday I couldn't spell engineer. Now I are one.
You can always tell a Harvard man, but you can't tell him much.
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
Experience
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Good judgment comes from experience, and that comes from poor judgment.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
It takes a lot of experience for a woman to kiss like a beginner.
We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
Facts
The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
Faith
Faith is under the left nipple.
The belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
Fanaticism
A fanatic is someone who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
Fanaticism is redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
Fanatics have their dreams,
Wherewith they weave
A paradise for a sect.
Fashion
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
Fashions come and go; bad taste is timeless.
If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed.
Feet
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Sweaty feet seldom come singly.
Food
A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
A gourmet who counts calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.
A sandwich is an unsuccesful attempt to make both ends meat.
Be a safe eater and always use a condiment.
Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
Cooking is a minor art; I can't imagine a hilarious soufflé, or a deeply moving stew.
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Grub first, then ethics.
Health food is anything you eat before the expiry date.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.
I eat merely to put food out of my mind.
If I had some eggs I'd have some eggs and ham, if I had some ham.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I'm a man more dined against than dining.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce.
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Vegetarianism is harmless enough, though it's apt to give a person wind and self-righteousness.
We didn't fight our way to the top of the food chain just to be vegetarians.
You are where you eat.
Fools
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
Silence is the virtue of fools.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
There are more fools in the world than there are people.
When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.
Friends
Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
Friends are not necessarily the people you like best, they merely got there first.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Of all the people I know, you're one of them.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Compiled and edited by
Luis de Avendaño
Comments, amendments, suggestions and corrections to
Updated on Sunday, 24 January 2010
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